Cookie fight!
by Kalivax
Summary: It really was supposed to be a simple project, make a little gift basket to bring over to Vincent. Of course it had to get complicated, and of course it had to get screwed over fast [Crossover with FFVII]. AUish. [SxR, AxR, ZxCxR]


Kingdom Hearts has eaten me whole and refused to spit me back out so I can finish other productive things--damn KH. Anyhoo, this was first posted on LJ and I decided to share (actually It's easier to give people links to than having to go through all the trouble of using other's accounts and whatnot...Your regular golden pairings...this is sort of a crossover--AU--thing...it's got AkuRoku, SorRi, Reno/Cloud/Zack...and barely there one sided hints of Vincent/Cloud and Sephiroth/Cloud...cause we roll like that...

Disclaimer: Yeahh...we could go on and talk about how I, a struggling student who braely has money for cosplay owns a video game...sure right...and Riku's straight...-snorts-...see, obviously, I do not own...

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**Cookie Fight! **

Roxas rolled his eyes as he surveyed the goop in front of him.

It was 'supposed' to be sugar cookie dough.

It looked like it was about to sprout a mouth and attack him.

Next to him, Sora looked on truthfully confused.

"Huuuhh...may be we added a bit too much yeast," he mumbled, head lolling from side to side--a sign he was deep in thought...or that he had a crick in his neck...it was usually the previous of the two however.

"He'll eat them anyway." And it was true, Vincent adored them in the same aspect of a brother to his favorite siblings.

Sora gaped at him in horror.

"He's already sick! We can't make him any more than he is! We could kill him with--" he struggled for the right words and just gestured vaguely, "**that.**"

"What do you suppose we do then? That was our fourth batch--I'm tired of going to the store!" And that was true, the wierd cashier, with some wierd 'M' name and magenta hair kept hitting on both him and his brother...at the same time.

"We could always ask--"

"--no."

"You didn't let me finish!" Sora protested, but Roxas gave him a stern glare.

"You are NOT inviting Riku over. And before you start, I know you were referring to Riku because a) Tifa is out of town on vacation...along with almost every other female friend/relative we know, including and not excluding: Kairi, Olette, Aeris, and Yuna. Rikku, Paine and Yuffie can and have burnt down kitchens before, and Marlene is with Barrett."

"Bu--"

"And for the final time: no. No. No. No. Sephiroth is not a girl, quit counting him as one." Roxas finished and set up on his brother a triumphant look, "well?"

"What's wrong with inviting Riku over? He could help and..."he paused cheeks turning pink as he seemed to recall something, "stuff."

"Ugh," Roxas smacked his head into his palm, "that's why--" he elaborated at the look on Sora's face, "because you two are for some reason or another, always, always, **_always_** doing something intimate. It doesn't matter how long it takes--but you'll some how find some way to disappear upstairs and leave me with all the work and enough mental scaring that I should be scared from sex forever."

Sora snorted at that.

Roxas scared of sex...yeaahhh...riiighhhttt...

"I'm serious, you're just going to leave me with all the work as usual." Roxas huffed, "it's downright annoying! Can't you push past your libido for one second--" he stopped as he noted the phone suddenly in his brother's hand.

"I could call him now, you know...Axel should be getting off work right about now," Sora seemed to revel in the pure waves of fear radiating from his brother.

Axel and Roxas had an odd relationship. Axel loved Roxas, and so thereby, he had eventually worn down the other until he too loved him. However, the problem was Axel was a very physical person--more so than Riku, and often Roxas was sore for days on end.

"If, and that's a big **if**," he placed all emphasis on that one last part, " I agree and you do call him up--I'll get Cloud to come home early."

Sora pouted at that.

It wasn't so much that he minded Cloud...it was the other two who were constantly with him and constantly fighting over him.

Having to deal with that, was more or less depending on Sora's 'joy' level, and while that was usually at 'full', it had to be practically over the brim as far as dealing with all the screaming and fists went.

But then again, he hadn't seen Riku in three days...

Sora paused and really thought about it...for five seconds.

"Fine." He sighed, but before Roxas could even reach for the phone, he was dialing Riku's number. Having Riku near would be enough to keep his 'joy' level up after all...

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Cloud Strife wasn't a push-over per se. He was actually a very strong-willed, quiet yet still dedicated young-man.

However, he was amazingly almost in-humanely kind.

His super-human kindness is what kept him from maiming Reno when the red-head had made sure to grope him very publicly and loudly as he made his way to his car, this kindness also saved Zack from painful castration when he had decided that it was unfair Reno had gotten farther than him and had snuck behind Cloud and under the guise of 'comforting' had almost got his hand in Cloud's pants.

And this was just light foreplay compared to other more embarrassing, intimate and over all scarring events that had occurred over the short span of years since he had run into the two so very long ago.

Suffice to say that Cloud Strife should be elected for canonization for not committing a double homicide.

His kindness didn't extend so far as to stop him from making comments.

"What are you doing?" the question was more said out-of-ritual than actual curiosity.

Reno looked from where he was poised in the back seat of Cloud's black beaten pick-up truck. Settling into shot-gun, Zack also gave him a look.

"We're coming with you."

As usual, Cloud asked, starting the engine: "What about your own rides?"

"Bike's broken."

When Cloud had suggested, in a moment of sheer stupidity--he assures, that the two catch a ride with him on one fatefully rainy day, the two suddenly appeared later apparently distraught at having both of their bikes crash, and they hated to do it but "Oh please Cloud, you live so close to us..."

And here they were, driving to Cloud's own humble abode, the two constantly arguing and trying to sneak in feel-ups.

So far they had barely missed turning into a four-wheeler when Zack 'dropped' some thing between his legs and enthusiastically reached over to get it, and they almost ran into a busy intersection, when Reno had accidentally 'from impact' slammed forward onto his seat and slide his hands up Cloud's shirt.

These two were going to be the death of him.

He was serenely relieved to see a familiar figure walking a ways away.

He made a mental note to never ever scold Sora and Riku for their noise again as he pulled up along side the later of the two. Riku couldn't physically stop Reno and Zack, but he could make it obscenely hard for them to not make it obvious, thereby making the two argue more than actually attempt.

"Riku, need a ride?" The silver-haired boy paused as he saw the people in the car along with his lover's cousin.

But then again, he would get their faster after all...

He nodded and kicked Reno out of the way , taking his spot behind Cloud--it was the least he could do he supposed...

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Sora finished scrapping off the last of the '**_ that _**' from the counter as Roxas bent down near him to continue hunting for spare ingredients...or he would've had he not yelped and jumped up red-faced.

"Hey there, Sexy!" Axel purred.

Roxas sent him and his brother glares of pure, instant, painful death.

"I didn't do it," Sora replied more out of a need to clarify than actual fear.

"I rushed home," Axel informed, looming closer, "it's been a while Roxas--"

"First, you don't live here--I don't know how you keep getting in, try ringing the door-bell or knocking; second, it's only been at the most a week." Roxas tried to make it not so blatantly obvious he was searching for a weapon of some kind to knock Axel out with.

"You never answer the door when I knock or ring," Axel sighed, in one quick easy motion he had the other boy in his grip, he smirked down at him, "and even five seconds away from you is too long for me."

Roxas rolled his eyes, ignoring the fact that he was also slightly blushing.

"Let go, we have things to do!"

"I'll say! It's been a we--"

"No, not you! Me and Sora--we're making a get-well gift for Vincent!" The red-head paused in his molesting attempts and looked back at them, genuinely interested, "really?"

It was probably because Vincent had given him helpful advice in his courtship of the very temperamental Roxas, or because the guy had shown him an awesome way to light a fire cracker with out even needing to touch it (point and aim)...though considering how much faster Roxas turned around it was probably the first of that statement.

Roxas used Axel's brief stroll down memory lane to his advantage and broke out of his grip, making sure to be across the room and use Sora as a human shield.

"I'll deal with you later, we need to get these sugar cookies finished--"

"--cookies?" Axel gave him another grin, "since when do cookies have rock salt in them?"

Sora shrugged and defended, "Hey, you never know--"

"No, I do know, my mother was the head of the PTA for chrissake," he shook his head at their ingredients and measuring cups, "these are all either way too big or too small. Do you want to keep Vincent in the hospital?"

"Well, if you know so much, why don't you quit talking and help," Roxas quipped, oddly enough impressed that his sex-crazed boy friend had such knowledge over something that wasn't position-related...not that he'd ever tell him that though.

"If I do, you're going to have to pay me back--and no, you know what I mean," Axel leered at him wistfully and Sora spotted his brother's rapid face change from light pinkish peach to stained red, "you need those cookies soon right?"

Roxas let out a series of garbled grunts and curses then reluctantly did a quick nod: "Fine, but you are not leaving anymore marks where they're visible anymore!"

Ok, Sora really didn't want to know what they were talking about and even though his mind was already making connections he ignored them in lieu of sanity--thank you very much.

Roxas ignored Axel's apparent joy and donned an apron, he barely had time to finish tying the strings when Axel swept him up in a particularly wet kiss.

"What? It says too." It being the gag gift to Cloud sometime ago from Yuffie--a apron that happily commanded to 'Kiss the cook'.

Roxas growled and launched the offending attire at Axel's head, while the other guffawed merrily.

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Cloud had never been more thankful to arrive home than ever. Over the course of fifteen minutes he had been subjected one of the biggest test to his 'do not kill annoyances' endurance--Reno and Zack had spent all that time (and more, seeing as how they were still going at it) arguing which type of women's clothing would compliment him more, complete with what positions would compliment  
which outfit and so on and so forth.

Silence from the back suggested that Riku may have suffered some mental scarring, and Cloud resolved to make it up to him and Sora by letting them go on vacation or something just the two of them.

As soon as he pulled into the driveway, Riku raced out, making sure to step on Reno as he did so.

"What's with that kid?" Zack muttered, noting how Riku was practical throwing himself inside the house, he was blatantly not paying attention to Reno's cries and low whispers of pain.

Cloud began to systematically bash his head on the steering wheel...

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At the sound of a car honking, Zidane shuffled over and chanced a glance down at his neighbors.  
He groaned.

Next to him, ViVi tried to make out what was going on.

Deciding to spare his little lover, he hurriedly pushed ViVi away from the window and back to the study.

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Sora didn't know when Riku burst through the solid oak door into his house, but he was able to tell why when he noticed the merry trio behind him.

Riku grabbed his lover and set about to trap him in a needy kiss, Roxas made a noise of verbal disapproval from where he was kneading dough, Axel was looking speculative--was, because as if knowing what he was planning, Roxas stepped on his foot and he adopted a totally new look in general.

"What was the emergency that you called me from...wor...k..." Cloud glanced at the makeshift cookie sweat shop/flour-dusted kitchen, resisted the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose.

A pair of arms wrapped around Cloud's waist and he heard Reno distinctly murmur: "Too bad that other red-head's wearing your apron...he's not as cute as you."

At that Cloud gave into the urge and pinnched the bridge of his nose---trying to will away the oncoming migraine and calmly interrogated, "Roxas, Sora, why did you call me from work?"

"We need help making the get-well gift for Vincent." Cloud nodded, that sounded like a good enough reason to cut work, Vincent had been a helpful ally in the past defending against Zack and Reno advances...speaking of which...he made sure to pinch Reno's hand just as it was about to slip lower.

This time Zack let out a yelp...while Reno gloated from where he had been thrown to the floor.

Cloud briefly recounted how Vincent had sometimes been able to get a 'Touch Cloud and die' vibe going that for the most part worked for five minutes...

He grabbed a spare apron and tried to channel healing powers into the dough.

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Apparently everyone in the Strife family had an inability at cooking, which would've resulted in many more spectacular failures if not for the odd random occurrence that all the other people present were all to some degree, good at it.

It was almost as infuriating as it was baffling.

Things would've continued to go smoothly, if...Axel had not decided to leave little presents on some of the cookie people they had agreed to making.

Roxas gaped in horror as he flipped on the oven light to see one cookie person in particular who had a very large...friend...in between his legs.

"AXEL!" he spluttered, knowing full well, that the cookie was almost done baking, "WHAT THE HELL?!"

"Hmm?" Axel peered over his shoulder and gave him a low chuckle, "I made it realistic is all--that way Vincent can tell me from the rest."

"HOW IS THAT REALISTIC?!" Roxas boomed, hands fisting, "AND HOW WOULD VINCENT EVEN KNOW ABOUT 'THAT' ANYWAY! HE HASN'T EVEN SEEN YOU NAKED!"

"It looks sort of like a tail?" Sora offered, trying to make sure his brother didn't strain something.

"WHAT TYPE OF TAILS HAVE YOU BEEN LOOKING AT?!" Roxas was turning a wonderful shade of blotchy magenta fast.

"You obviously didn't notice that they're three more in there..."Riku murmured, looping an arm around Sora's shoulders.

Roxas flipped the light and observed the cookies again--sure enough, three more cookies with prominent 'tails' were now becoming apparent.

"Y--YO--YOU LITT--"

"Technically, he's not exactly 'little' by anyone's standards," Zack chirped cheerfully as he slid past with a second cookie tray, this time, already art-fully decorated with colorful icing.

Roxas let out a loud screech and prepared to launch himself at the offending party--if, Cloud hadn't noticed the next cookie tray and let out his own shout: "What are those two cookies doing?!"

"Uh...hugging?" Reno suggested from where he was poised with a bag of icing.

"How is that hugging?! They're arms are no where near each others!"

"He's hugging..."Reno paused as if considering a more realistic excuse, "...with his mouth? And plus, if you look closely, my hand's are sort of hugging your head..."

"Don't tell me--"

"--yeah, it's me and you, just a little friendly reminder to Vincent not to get any funny ideas just cuz you're makin' him cookies," Reno finished, but then let out a squeal as he glanced over at Zack's own decorated confections, "what the hell is that? Like Cloud would do that--with you of all people! You just copied me!"

"No, I didn't! I **_improved _**upon it," Zack nodded with approval as the other swarmed to see what exactly the cookie people were doing.

Sora let out a nervous laugh, Riku raised a brow, Axel looked like he was considering mimicking some of the actions displayed in cookie form before him, Cloud was about ready to keel over, and Roxas ready to about burst a blood vessel as he growled: "Why is it almost every cookie on here involved in some kind of orgy or other sex act?!"

"He did it!" Reno and Zack piped almost immediately pointing at the other. Roxas was really beginning to see red.

Before any one could really stop him, he reached to the side and hurled a glob of precious left over dough at the two icing-artists/perverts.

The two blinked at him owlishly.

Then Reno let out the 'Smirk'...the ever present grin that made the others cower in fear...and rewarded Roxas with a squirt of white icing and some dabs of the sunshine yellow in his other hand.

Roxas gave a crazed smirk in response, and even Axel shrank back. Now that he was faced with the option of letting out his frustration, Roxas would be unstoppable.

THUNK

SQUISH

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Reno gave Cloud his best puppy-dog eyes, the other shrugged and continued to scrub the mess that was the aftermath of Roxas's sudden explosion.

The cookies they had slaved over were now lying in a decorative gift-basket, some of the more obscene ones were hidden at the bottom, where they had the most chance to crumble. It had been decided since the extra dough was now out of the picture (and spread all over the kitchen) they would just hope that Vincent wouldn't notice...and cover as mush as they could with icing--or they would've if they weren't out of icing...at this point, Cloud was just lucky he had elected to stay behind, even if it meant being alone with a pouting Reno and a triumphant Zack.

"How come Roxas didn't have to do any cleaning?" Reno demanded for the umpteenth time, Cloud sighed and responded, again, "because, he already cleaned the posts and pans as well as take everything to Vincent. That's going to be punishment enough when he sees the cookies."

"It was only a joke," Reno mumbled, and jerked his thumb at Zack, "he did it too--why isn't he scrubbing?"

"Because **_He _**didn't try and coat Roxas in icing," at the praise, Zack glomped Cloud and gave Reno a raspberry.

Before the red-head could respond, Cloud sighed and interrupted: "Why do you two fight so much? I like you both equally, you don't have--"

"--wait, you **_LIKE_** us? As in 'LIKE' like?"

Cloud turning a faint shade of pink rolled his eyes and muttered: "What else do you think I mean dumb-ass?"

Reno and Zack suddenly leered at him, and Cloud realized this may have not been the best time to admit his feelings...

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"Oh, you shouldn't...have..." Vincent peered closer at the cookies, blinked and looked back at up the four who delivered them.

Roxas and Sora were both pink, while Riku seemed fascinated with the window while Axel just smiled back at him cheekily.

"I made the big ones," he informed still smiling, Roxas let out a noise that sounded like a shriek and a yelp and stepped on his foot.

"...Okay...did Reno and Zack make any of these?" It was such a stupid question to ask, but he just had to make sure.

That garnered the wrong response however, because now Riku seemed to come down with a coughing fit that sounded oddly like sniggering, while Sora kept avoiding his eyes. Roxas swallowed thickly and muttered: "Yeah, so?"

Vincent shrugged and bit down on a particularly obscene group that consisted of Cloud cookie, Zack cookie, and a game of leapfrog.

"No reason."

The four teens just gaped at him as if he grew a second head.

To his side, Sephiroth reached in and grabbed a Cloud cookie that was playing with it's 'tail' and took a bite.

"These aren't bad..."

"Oh, try and find me another one like that would you?"

WHUMP

"Roxas!"

--Owari---

Hyuuu! Done! Thank Yevon...collapses...Uh, next up more Devil Summoner fiction for **ochibiglomper**...oh, btw:

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Sora opened the door, with Riku's arm around his waist, Axel still carried a almost comatose Roxas over his shoulder.

Sora flickered on the kitchen lights, muttering resignedly, "It's so good to be hom---AHHH!"

Reno, Zack, and Cloud looked up.

"Hello!"

"Yo!"

Cloud tried to sink into the floor, or at the very least hope he'd somehow become invisible between Reno's thighs.

"I stand on this floor, I sometimes sit on this floor, I once ate something off this floor," Sora rambled in pure shock, his stance starting to sway.

Riku looked a tad green and Axel waved back: "Since you all are occupied, I'm just going to help Roxas recover a bit. Have fun."

And promptly raced up the stairs.

Deciding that wasn't a bad idea, Riku tentatively tugged a still babbling Sora away.

Zack and Reno exchanged glances.

"Huuuhh, wierd kids."

"Yeah man, I think it's something in the water...anyway..."

Cloud groaned, but this time it was from another reason entirely.

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Where's Leon, most of you probably wondered throughout this whole ordeal--that I blame on the Remo/Cloud and Zack/Cloud communities on livejournal as well as Snarkykat--she got me addicted to this OT3...Review you know you wanna--just press the bluish purple button--Axel commands it! And who are we to resist Axel-sama and his pedophilic tendencies? Not to mention wonderful green eyes? See--you're falling under his command already!  



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